Writing to my resistance
It's time to address her head (and fists) on
Dear resistance aka inner critic aka dreamshitter (thanks
for that one),I hear you. I feel you. I could even say I hate you, but I know that wouldn’t stop you — in fact, I think it’d make you louder. You’re always there when I want to try something new, and especially something I really care about — sometimes whispering and sometimes screaming, but always there. Always there reminding me I can’t and I won’t; I’m not good enough and I’m unworthy. Even now, as I write each new word I can feel your power pulsing through me, causing me to question my every word and every comma, worrying if I make sense or if I can word things better. “What’s even the point?” you whisper — or wail, depending on our mood.
Some days, like today, I can hear you and feel you forcefully, but I continue to type over you, the tapping of the keys and flow of my thoughts working to stifle your whining. Other days, like last week, I’m eagerly awaiting your criticism and dreamshitting, so I can then self-sabotage and prove you right: “I knew I couldn’t do it”; “I knew I wasn’t good enough.” I still managed to write a post last week (you conveniently forgot that bit, didn’t you?!), yet your constant tormenting means it’s still gathering dust in the drafts.
The hardest part is I know you mean well. That’s another reason I couldn’t hate you. You’re here to protect me. You’re scared and understandably so — putting yourself and your work out there to an often overly critical world is a scary thing. You’re trying to protect me from all the things we’re scared of — rejection, failure, and overall, not feeling good enough like I’ve felt for a lot of my life. So first, I’d like to thank you for being here. For looking out for me. For trying to protect me. For caring. But I must also remind you that you can let go of the reins and I’ll be okay. More than okay. I promise. Rejection and failure are normal parts of life and particularly when it comes to creativity. Art is so subjective and what one person might think is wonderful, another might not like at all. And that’s more than okay. That’s the beauty of art and humans — how varied it is and we are.
I’d now like to delve into the deeper things that are fuelling you — and to that you fired up the fear and anxiety, stressing that “there’s no need to get into this” and there’s no point as “no one’s going to read it anyway.” But to hell with that (and honestly, sometimes you too, dear dreamshitter, but don’t tell her that)! Maybe no one will read it, and I’d be lying if I said that didn’t bother me at all, but in reality, I know a few will, and even if they don’t, this is as much (if not, more) for me as it is for them.
Now, these are big and scary feelings, and of course, the resistance is real, so don’t mind me whilst I play an almighty game of tug of war.
Let’s dive into not feeling good enough. I’ve spent a lot of my life comparing myself to others, which as we know, is a vicious cycle that’s very difficult to break free from. On top of that, I’ve historically been an over-achiever and perfectionist and consequently held myself to very high standards, which means after I compare — and often conclude that others are ‘doing better’ than me, whatever that means — I’ll strive to be better and more like them. This, of course, doesn’t help any of us, but as someone who’s recently been diagnosed with ADHD, I’m coming to terms with the fact that my ‘good enough’ is modelled on neurotypical people and therefore not made for me. So all this time I’ve been striving for something that doesn’t fit me or my mind.
So now I’m aware of that, is that the demise of my dreamshitter? I wish. She’s still here, stirring up new bullshit to keep me safe (read: stagnant).
As a result of never feeling good enough to myself, I’ve often looked to others for validation. An inherent people pleaser, I grew up putting others’ needs before my own in an attempt to be liked and validated by them. However, if others didn’t respond in the way I wanted (or felt I needed), I took this as rejection — something even more challenging to ADHD brains due to something called Rejection Sensitivity Disorder (or RSD).
After expending so much energy trying to please people and not receiving the response I felt I so desperately needed, I assume I came to the conclusion that there must be something wrong with me. I’d been rejected and that was my fault — “It must be because I’m not good enough.” As a result, I felt like a failure.
Due to not learning to validate myself growing up, this is something I’ve been working on over the past few years or so. It’s tough and like I’ve said, my dreamshitter is still always lurking in the background ready to pounce, but I’m trying to finally fight back. I’m trying to put myself first and find validation within. It’s a bloody long road, but I’m confident it’s worth it. I am determined to drown out my dreamshitter with the tapping of the keys, and perhaps even the voice of someone new. Introducing…
My cheerleader! She might seem small right now, but she’s only just getting started. And she’s here to stay.